III - Kindness

As the moment of truth came nearer and nearer, things were becoming more and more unbelievable, uncontrollable, getting out of hand. As I stay inside our classroom and while practicing our readers’ theatre piece which is ‘The Wizard, the Fairy and the Magic Chicken’, I felt so uncomfortable. I already imagined or pictured out myself together with my pupils in front of many people, smiling at every photo op, holding our precious certificate indicating that we won the contest, brimming with pride. But all my dreams were at one shattered in just one short notice. I felt like all the frustrations, the pains I’ve been repressing for the past few weeks were at once in my head. I felt the air became heavy. It was so frustrating and I was so chagrined! Maybe it is because I never saw it coming. I was hurt for my pupils and most especially for myself. It was a major pitfall for me. And the blame goes to me. I came back to every possible moment trying to take a look at my shortcomings. But like what they say, LET BYGONES BE BYGONES. I am a little bit sober now.  Well anyways, it is just the start.

Tired and Weary

It has been a very busy month for me. I can’t even find time to unwind. The more we get closer to the end (actually, the beginning), the more I feel like stopping and drifting away but there’s no turning back now. Everything just seems to move faster that it leaves me behind.

Every day (weekdays, for that matter), I have to wake up early so that I could prepare our breakfast and later on while eating; I will be mastering my lesson for that day. And before 7am, I should have arrived in school so I could still prepare myself and check my pupils (there’s no way I can deviate to the usual routines). At 7:15, my busy day starts. It’s my time to teach, shout, stand, and curse (of course it’s only in my mind). Then at 11:10 (my vacant), I will start to review and update my to-do list. And at 12 – 1 is my me-time. Time to eat and to freshen up. If there is one good thing that I learned from this experience is to move faster than usual. Eat fast or be late. I can’t even eat my lunch properly because I have to hurry, even at breakfast that’s why I end up with an empty stomach. Everything in my life now is always in haste.  Hurry up when you’re cooking! Hurry up when you’re eating. Hurry up when you’re taking a bath, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, fixing your things.

Again, at 1-4 is a life spent in hell (I’m just kidding)! I don’t even know how hell looks like. Actually, I really love my second period in the afternoon because my pupils are cute and adorable. At 4pm, while working with school papers, I’ll be waiting for my co-PST’s who are, unfortunately, designated outside our school. And when they arrive, we’ll go home. At home, I’ll do my share of the household chores then after eating our dinner, I will be spending the rest of my time in my study table working with multifarious tasks like lesson plan, instructional materials, PT Book and the like until I feel like sleeping. That’s how my day goes and ends. Wake up early and sleep late. I don’t know if I can keep up to this cause I feel like losing my liberty to be me and to do what I want to do. If I’m tiresome and wearisome, I feel my eyes well with tears and the next thing I knew, tears are already streaming down my face. If I could just only curse, hit and walk out, I already did but I can’t or should I say I must not! 

Dream. Believe. Survive!

Belief, hard work, love -- you have those things, you can do anything.

-By Pauline "Posey" Benetto in "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom

It was a line from a dialogue between Chick, Catherine -- Chick's wife and Posey -- Chick's mom. It was one of the times his mother stood up for him. They were arguing if Chick should put up a sports bar or not. Those are the three things that Posey believe can help Chick do and achieve his dreams but apparently not.

Anyways, officially, our first sem of being fourth year is over and another stepping stone is for us to take. But just like Chick, I believe these things are not enough if I want to make it til the end (not actually the end). Yes, you have to believe. Believe that you can, that you can go further, that you can outwit others or that you can be who you want to be. Life is what you make it, they say. 'Pag naniwala ka, mangyayari but if not now, maybe tomorrow, the next day, next month or next year. Just be patient.

But if belief and patience did not work, try those with hard work. Baka naman kasi naniwala o naghintay ka nalang, gumawa ka din. Hindi naman lagi pag naniwala ka, mangyayari. Just like the story of Juan Tamad. Juan Tamad (Tamad means lazy or sluggish) is a boy who slept under a guava tree waiting for a fruit to fall in his mouth. He believed that the fruit will fall so he slept and waited. But when he woke up, the fruit was gone. So you see, being patient and believing alone won't work, it should be coupled with hard work.

But if belief and patience coupled with hard work still fail you, add love, will and optimism.

Love what you do or simply, do what you love. Sabi nga ni Sir Armanel Libunao, "Make your passion your profession".

When you do something because you are loving and enjoying it and not just for compliance sake, you'll be successful. Sabi pa ni Sir Nel, "Kung hindi ka na masaya sa trabaho (o sa ginagawa) mo at hinihintay mo nalang ang sweldo  mo, mag-resign ka na kung hindi, pareho kayong masisira. Masisira ang trabaho mo at ikaw sa mata ng mga tao".

And if finally, you got what you aimed, always show acts of humility. With those things, success will not be so difficult to chase. If i'm to give an unsolicited advice to myself and those who believe me, that would be

"Don't stop thinking about tomorrow", "Stop, relax and have fun when you're tired and weary" and finally sabi ulit ni Sir Nel, "In everything you do, always do your best".  

CRAM Brulee

I am done with my demo teaching! Yahey! So happy (and pretty and witty and bright -- got hooked by the movie 'Anger Management'). It was a mixed of emotions. I felt happy, elated, disappointed, sad and proud. Yes, I am proud of myself. It's an achievement. I am asked to stand in front of the grade 6 pupils and I did. I made it.

Hours before the supposed demo, I was cramming and I hate it. But despite of the cramming, I did not feel nervous and I don't know why (I think I am no longer normal! That's cool!). Just confused. What's really abnormal about me is that I’m thinking I’m nervous, when in fact, I’m not (that's not cool! I'm being neurotic, ain't I?).

During the demo, I’m still cool but a bit tired so I prayed (thank you Lord for staying beside me). It was so fast! One moment, I was cramming and then later, I'm done. I am also glad that I did not receive very negative, downright comments from pushy D! But I do felt dissatisfied with my performance. I know I can do better than that. Anyways, there's always a next time.

After the demo, I had to attend my Monday class which is Inorganic Chem. I'm so exhausted to function that is why I could not absorb the lesson so when we had a quiz, all I could answer was 'what is asked and what are the given'.

just me, GIAN MARIEL and i

Since I'm new to this blogging world, I want to start of my blog with a little introduction of myself. You might not feel interested but (whether you like it or not, you will like it) still I want you to know me since there's really none who knows the real me.

The real Gian loves to be under the spotlight. I want to be the center of attention not the center of humiliation for the reason that I'm strong and not because I'm weak. I don't want people pointing out my flaws moreover I am not that narrow-minded person. If you have the guts and can frankly tell it to me in an assertive or constructive manner, of course I would accept it and who knows, I might change. I'm just stubborn and not a hypocrite (both, SOMETIMES).

 I have more ups and downs than usual people I know. When little things get to my nerves, I get frustrated too quickly especially when I'm not in the mood. Normally, I get to get over things easily but not with skin-deep stuffs. They take me days, actually. Consequently, I hate when my carefully made plans are to be changed just because of others. The fact that I exerted effort, time and probably money, I should be given a good reason why I should change it or else I would not! (Oh! I got attitude prob. Who doesn't?) That is the reason why I'm better alone when doing schoolwork. I don't have to ask for others opinion and if something went wrong, I've got no one to blame but myself. Right?

Anyways, if things went wrong I always make sure that I have my ME TIME. And part of that me time is daydreaming, reading, listening to music, eating and thinking about random things. My me time prevents me from my 'oh-so-lost-moments' and allows me to explore things about me.

 My close friends know that I am a music lover and a frustrated singer. Also, I can play the lyre. I am trying (and still trying) to learn playing the guitar but I have really short attention span and usually I get so impatient and fidgety. Those are only few of my negative traits (admitted, I have many but at least I'm trying to work it out).

 Paris said that There's nothing wrong with wanting the best of both worlds. Yeah, agree. I can be very organize and at the same time unorganize. It doesn't usually bother me when my workplace is messy. Conventional and unconventional are also my traits. Really, I hate changes but if it would do good to me, why not? I am a chronic worrier. I get too paranoid everytime I arrive home and find out that my father is not yet home. These days, inside the house is probably the safest place in town (but not really! Gosh, what if maybe those bad guys would sneak out to your house while you are sleeping soundly? I don't want to think of the next).

At times I tend to be indecisive and dependent. I, usually, depend on my friends and my family when it comes to food I will eat, the clothes I will wear and buy. I do not like being highly dependent with others in terms of those things but what I feel when I'm not with them is like a phone without battery. However, I am doing my best to stand on my own feet anyways, it's not hard to do.

I fit in with some groups in our school but surprisingly I am not that friendly. If you would ask people about their first impression on me, there will always be answers such as mean, obnoxious, hard to be friends with and even bitch (I'm kinda bitch sometimes, and mean and obnoxious and hard to be friends with). I tend to be reserved and cautious about making friends with new people that is why I stick with my friends and classmates. Occasionally, you may find me talking to others but not really trusting.

I'm sort of a loner and a homebody. I spend most of my time watching television (probably, til the rest of my life). I watch random movies and TV programs. Aside from good movies and programs, I'm also into good plays, books, and music.

One word to describe me is UNPREDICTABLE. I'm like the weather. I want you to know that these are all about me however I didn't include every bits and pieces of information about me cause I want to leave something for myself. And if I included them all here, surely, we'll be all bored and disinterested. This just proves that people may know me but I know myself better. Pretty sure, some of you will raise their eyebrows but remember people, I'm not trying to please you.